After the Breakup: 7 Ways to Not Break the No Contact Rule
The No Contact Rule is a critical tool to aid your healing after your breakup. It’s not easy to completely cut off communication with your former partner, but the 90 days you take to focus on yourself without the distraction and confusion that comes from maintaining communication with your ex will be a huge determinant in how you move forward, and blossom after the relationship.
To learn more about how to implement the No Contact Rule, read my blog post, 5 Ways to Implement the No Contact Rule.
There are plenty of reasons why people rationalize their breaking the No Contact Rule. The following keys will help you get through the temptation to reconnect with your former partner.
- Forget the “we can still be friends” trap
Maintaining a friendship might sound like a good idea, but rarely (If ever) ends well. Regardless of how the relationship ended, ask yourself how friends treat each other. Make a list of what being a friend means to you. Is this your ex?
You might be thinking, “but I really like them – we have so much in common” and you might, but you’ve stepped beyond just being friends and now have the emotional history that comes with an intimate relationship. To help your healing, do not talk yourself into trying to maintain a friendship.
- You can move forward without “closure”
Closure comes from within you but many people have an urge to close the loop on the disastrous breakup. The truth is that breakups are messy and closure is not always possible. Similar to someone who loses someone in death, you can move forward without what you might consider feeling total closure. Once you have some distance from the wreckage, it is in your best interest to keep it. The discomfort you feel from not getting closure will soon pass.
- You do not need to “return their stuff”
If your former partner’s stuff is still at your place, and you really want to get it back to them, then box it up and mail it. Do not use this as an excuse to reconnect.
You can also make arrangements with a friend to get it to them. If they really wanted it, they would have packed it when they left, consider throwing it in the trash or recycle.
- Overcome the the thought, “Maybe we can get back together”
You may be keeping the hope alive, believing that there may be some way you can work it out and get back together. The relationship did not work, and you have both gone your own ways. Accept that this is good for you and give your heart the time and space to rebuild the relationship with yourself. Think of it as a gift of time for yourself.
- Keep those times when, “We see each other all the time anyway” brief
If you will likely run into your ex at school, work, church or when exchanging the kids, do not use it as an excuse to start up a conversation. Adjust the things you can and then keep any time you run into one another brief and professional.
- Release the, “I’ve got just one more thing to say” idea
If you are having the urge to make sense of it all and want to question your ex to understand what went wrong, consider that you simply have different approaches to life. Talking one more time leads to arguing one more time, which leads to more hurt and more time to heal.
You do not need to hear your former partner explain – one more time – what is wrong with you or why it will not work. Rejection hurts, but it makes way for opportunities and relationships that are even greater than what you had.
- “I just want to have sex.”
No, no and no. Sure, intimacy with your ex is familiar, but stings even more when you finally decide that the breakup is final. Those urges will lesson with time. Let them fizzle and expand into energy you can use to heal yourself.
I know from personal experience that fighting the impulse to pick-up communication, for any reason, with your ex can be hard, but I also know that it is possible. You can heal, build strength and self-love by focusing on yourself without being distracted by complicated interactions with your former partner.
You might try keeping a journal for these 90 days so you can release your feelings and look back on this time to see your progress.
The No-Contact Rule works. You can do this.